Woodsie's House of Pancakes: There's snow business like snooze business...

Those of you who live in the midwest, or the upper midwest, or the lower upper middle east west, or Russia, know how snow is SUPPOSED to be covered by news agencies. Unfortunately, the journalism students in the northeast slept through Snow Coverage 105.

The following is an accurate representation of a published factual dramatization based on a true story in spanish where available...

Guidelines for snow coverage in and around the
Pennsylvania midstate:

(1) Mobilize "Full Team
Coverage" when snow is predicted, is falling, or has fallen. Also do so if the
word "snow" is uttered in any competition's newscast. Or if it happens to be
January, February, or March.

(2) News graphics - Before it
snows, use "Snow on the way?" If we get 1 to 2 inches, use "Snow Emergency!" 3
to 7, use "Killer Storm!" Anything more, run with "Avalanches, Cannibalism
Feared."

(3) Anchors - Use dramatic verbs, such as
paralyzed/pummeled/blasted/buried when describing what the snow did to the city.
Use dramatic nouns as well, such as Armageddon.

(4)
Required video - The overpass. The city salt hut. The supermarket. (remember -
any store where 2 shoppers are buying milk, bread, and/or toilet paper
simultaneously constitutes "panic buying"

(5) Interviews - Anyone
walking in, driving in, or looking at the snow. (required question - "You're
walking/driving in THIS weather?!")

(6) Must obtain video of; (a)
car/bus failing to climb icy hill, (b) two cars skidding into each other, (c)
more impressive snowfall somewhere else. Will accept video of these occuring
ANYWHERE in United States.

(7) The next day, use graphics
such as "Winter Wonderland" and "Digging Out" and "Thousands Feared Dead". Also,
make sure weatherman explains to viewers why the forecast was right, not
wrong.

(8) Repeat steps 1 - 8 at least twenty five times
every winter season... or

(9) Move west.